Lately I have been fed up with this lifestyle. Freelance work takes twice as much effort and, after taxes, pays about the same as a regular job. How am I supposed to work on my own business when all I do is worry about money and working enough hours? It’s a terrible cycle.
The other night I got to the point where I wrote, “I give up on this stupid idea” in my journal. I continued on writing, “My stupid business is just an idea, a concept or conversation topic. It is nothing. I am nothing.” Yes, it was mellow dramatic, but that is what journals are for. As I continued to write, my thoughts became a series of evasive questions.
Why is starting this business so important to me?
What am I really doing with my career?
Aren’t I just going to end up failing anyway?
Eventually I got to a point where I remembered my hidden light. “There is this ever so slight glimmer left inside of me. It sparkles in the back of my eye where only I can truly see it. The spark of hope, inspiration, courage, and love lives in my crazy idea.”
Over the past few months, my social life has rolled downhill. My poor boyfriend has put up with a few too many of my mini-breakdowns. The balance in my bank account has shifted. And my skin looks like I’ve been beating myself up. Despite all of this, I’ve kept going.
I can’t go on living my life not knowing the end of this story, especially when it feels like I’m nearing the end of the boring intro chapters. I have no idea what it is inside of me that is driving me forward with such strong motion because it lies so deep that it cannot be explained – it’s just who I am.
Well, I guess that’s the answer to my question. I cannot give up until I know the end of this story.
The M.I.A. song “Bad Girls” from 2012 is fun, goofy and makes you want to dance. Listening to it led me to search for her newest release – Y.A.L.A. She released the track on Sound Cloud as a teaser, and I listened to it a few times. The sound is totally M.I.A. style, which I love. The use of the synth is a little heavier than usual, so she may be diving further into the electronica sound while still inter-weaving her hip-hop vocal prowess. I guess we’ll find out more when the album is released.